As a freshly divorced person I have tried out the dating scene. I have only been on four dates in the past year. Somehow chronicling my experiences gives me a little perspective.

Number 1: The Mommy Interview
Because this was my first date in years, I was beyond nervous. I chose to wear all black on a cool fall day. Hiding inside of black clothes is a specialty of mine. We met at coffee shop and proceeded to dinner at a restaurant nearby. Almost immediately he started telling me about his kids since he got custody in his divorce. He told me about his beautiful Argentinian ex wife and how she missed having sex with him. I was almost expecting to see pictures. And then he started asking me about my relationship with kids. I knew right then I had to sabotage the date. So when he asked me if I went to church, I replied with, “define church.” He blankly looked at me confused. I told him my idea of church was picking up trash off of the river behind my house. I then proceeded to concoct half true stories about seeing UFOs and reading books about dooms day preppers. I continued with talking about my favorite movie Loose Change which is a documentary about 911. It’s not conspiracy, but to a former Marine it is. Right after the date he sent me a text that he regretted not kissing me goodnight. I never heard from him again. It didn’t matter since I was pleased with my performance that didn’t stray too far away from who I really am.

Number 2: The Bar Back
A few months later I started talking to a guy who was also recently divorced with no kids. He wanted me to come have a drink at a local bar where he worked. Since I knew someone who picked up an aggravated assault charge at his bar and was sent to prison for 8 years because of it, I decided not to go. I suggested dinner at a local restaurant. It was unusually cold that night. He was tall, cute, and had a West Texas accent that few can appreciate. As soon as we sat down at the bistro he seemed nervous. I don’t know why I make people nervous. I think I am pretty mellow until I feel comfortable. Even though the date had been planned ahead of time, he said he had already eaten dinner. Ok. So he wanted to order a cheese plate. While we were sharing a plate of what can only be described as funky and stinky cheese he commented he would be gassy later. Really? The date couldn’t end fast enough. I never got a follow up text, thank God. I deleted his number.

Number 3: The Knife Licker
After finding out that we both loved Downton Abbey and that he worked for some kind of CIA program, I was more than intrigued. (I have always said that if I were an orphan then I’d have been a spy.) He had his own plane, multiple degrees, and was a globetrotter. We were to meet on the Gruene Hall dance floor (this is the oldest open dance hall in Texas for those of you that don’t know – it didn’t matter that I got married in the oldest privately owned one). I was excited, so of course in true Texan fashion, I polished my boots. I honestly thought he would spin me around a dance floor for the first time since Jr. High. We did not dance. He was in a Hawaiian shirt, baseball cap, and probably hadn’t shaved for two weeks. I’m not even sure he took a shower. He looked nothing like his pictures. This isn’t that shocking, but he had 20+ pictures on his dating profile. We went to a restaurant where I waited tables after college. When the first round of beers came he was very upset that he couldn’t fit his lime into his Dos Equis. This became a problem several beers later when he suddenly realized he could solve the problem with his steak knife. As I was handing him a napkin to wipe off the sour cream, he licked both sides of his knife and sort of smacked while he did it. No! I am also pretty sure he tapped my phone and subsequently saw every Facebook conversation I’d had in the previous six months with total strangers who have now become friends. I hate spies.

Number 4: The Card Player
If I had to pick a favorite of the four then this guy would definitely win the contest. He was a coach. Since I have been around coaches my whole life I felt that we could have decent conversation about sports. Equally impressive was his state championship ring he wore. My mom still wears my dad’s state championship ring from the 1973 Midland Bulldogs baseball team. And he wanted to play cards. So we played. The loser was supposed to make dinner for a second date. And that was when I decided to back out. I don’t want anyone coming into my space. I shouldn’t have played for such a high cost. Even though I won the card game, I sabotaged again. Since he is a varsity girls basketball coach I told him my high school basketball experience. I told him about how my coach threw himself in front of an 18 wheeler after school officials discovered he had an inappropriate relationship with a student. The shock on his face wasn’t enough to keep him from sending a followup text that he wanted to see me again. But since I am being super picky this time I told him I wasn’t ready to date. Maybe the real reason was his intense stutter. I am a horrible person.